The Low Self-Esteem Partner

Miller, R.S. & Perlman, D. (2009), Intimate Relationships, 30-32, New York, McGraw Hill.


“What happens when those people [with low self-esteem] enter new relationships with kinder, more appreciative partners? Does the new feedback they receive slowly improve their self-esteem?

“Not Necessarily. A compelling series of studies by Sandra Murray and her colleagues has demonstrated that people with low self-esteem sometimes sabotage their relationships by underestimating their partner’s love for the (Murray et al., 2011) and perceiving disregard where none exists (Murray et al., 2002). People with low self-regard find it hard to believe that they are well and truly loved by their partners (Murray et al., 1998) and, as a result, they tend not to be optimistic that their loves will last. This leads them to overreact to their partners’ occasional bad moods (Bellavia & Murray, 2003); they feel more rejected, experience more hurt, and get more angry than those with higher self-esteem. And these painful feelings make it harder for them to behave constructively in response to their imagined peril. Whereas people with high self-regard draw closer to their partners and seek to repair the relationship when frustrations arise, people with low self-esteem defensively distance themselves, stay surly, and behave badly (Murray, Bellavia et al., 2003). They also feel even worse about themselves (Murray, Griffin et al., 2003).

“All of this occurs, Murray (2008) believes, because we  take large risks when we come to depend on others. Close ties to an intimate partner allow us to enjoy rich rewards of support and care, but they also prove to be untrustworthy. Because they are confident about their partners’ love and regard for them, people with high self-esteem draw closer to their partners when difficulties arise. In contrast, people with low esteem have lasting doubts about their partners’ regard and reliability, so when times get tough they withdraw from their partners in an effort to protect themselves. We all need to balance connectedness with self-protection, Murray suggests, but people with low self-esteem put their fragile egos before their relationships.

“As a result, the self-doubts and thin skins of people with low self-esteem lead them to make mountains out of molehills. They react more strongly when they are reminded of their partners’ faults (Graham & Clark, 2006), and wrongly perceive small bumps in the roads as worrisome signs of declining commitment in their partners. Then, they respond with obnoxious, self-defeating hurt and anger that cut them off fro the reassurance they crave. By comparison, people with higher self-esteem correctly shrug off the same small bumps and remain confident of their partners’ acceptance and positive regard. The unfortunate net results is that once it is formed, low self-esteem may be hard to overcome; even after ten years of marriage, people with low self-esteem still tend to believe that their spouses love and accept them less than those faithful spouses really do (Murray et al., 2000).”
1 Jan 22short url
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    Miller, R.S. & Perlman, D. (2009), Intimate Relationships, 30-32, New York, McGraw Hill. “What happens when those people...
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  9. janinewillsavetheworld reblogged this from yourglassceiling and added:
    just very relevant,...accurate and interesting! :)
  10. xelspeaks said: Thank you so much for this, Geoff!
  11. yourglassceiling posted this